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June 12th, 2005

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June 1st, 2005

10:59 pm - Uh I dunno Fuck you? :D Good and bad this week. The Good: -I'm currently playing RE4 and It makes me so very happy to use the shotgun on silly villagers who think they can kill me :D. -My birthday is on June 18th! Also its my Golden Birthday! -I've been playing DDR a bit more and getting better :S -Did I mention I really like RE4? -Watched all of Gundam Seed and I am pleased with it much -I'm overall pretty happy cause I've been seeing people a lot more as school's let out The Bad -I have to study a lot for this test I have to take but it should be fine -A certen thing is concerning me at the moment but I'm sure it will pass. I'm not going to go into it cause its something that only applys to a certen area that you don't need to know about :D -My car is still dead for the moment but Ill have it fixed soon -I have no idea what I should do for my birthday party cause I want to have one being my golden birthday an all. (GIVE ME IDEAS!!) That about covers it! I wish everyone luck on their exams and other stuffs. Kats out~ Current Mood: lazy

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May 19th, 2005

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April 11th, 2005

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April 7th, 2005

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January 28th, 2005

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January 10th, 2005

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November 19th, 2004

09:50 am - Famly hatred and Friend worries Gah I hate being mad and unhappy it just such a waste of time and to top it off im still sick so im annoyed to... I really hate my mother Even though she is right and I do have to do something with my life she always just makes me feel so much hatred. All she does is yell and then an hour later she acts like I think shes family.. I mean I know I need to get a job, I know that school is important but when you scream at me for forgetting to put away the dishish thats just not right. All she has to do is ask me and maybe remind me of something if I forget to do it but she has to choose to tell me to do something and Scream to me. Also I can't tell her anything with out her forgeting it 5 minutes later that really shows how much my mom cares about me Shes to worried about herself to even know that she has a son. Hack im not even a son to her im just something to yell at that takes up space and money in our house even though she deny's it she will yell it to me later on when she loses her mind again. Do you know how empty that makes someone feel.. to know that your own mother thinks your just a thing that uses money.. and she wonder's why I say I hate her and that Id be perfectly fine if she died right there on the spot in fact if anyone wants to rub my mom out go right ahead it wouldn't hurt me in the least. I just want to get away but thats a stupid thing for me to say seeing as im not really trying to get away. I know I need to really start taking charge and I think im finally ready to as long as I can get away from this thing I live with forever so be it. No matter how much work I have to do from now on I am going to stop at nothing to leave this horrable family behind and never speak to it again. I was going to talk about another thing but I just really lost my mood im already really unhappy it would just make me even more so. Anyway see you guys at A S&V to those that are going I hope that at least cheers me up. ~Katsu~ Current Mood: annoyed

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November 16th, 2004

07:44 pm - Month of confusion? Wow Its been almost exactly a month since I updated so here we go and god do I have a lot to say. Nothing really important has been going on. Every weekend I go up to see Fawn and Hillary. Last Saturday was Fawn's Birthday party so that was interesting, and the Sat before that Fawn came over to my house where we watched Yakitate!! Japan 1-3 that was fun to. Now On to the stuff Id really just like to put down. Somethings have been have been going through my mind for a long time but I just don't know what to think about them. If you seen me recently you know ive been losing sleep a lot and most of it is due to all the thinking ive been doing whether I want to or not. Its hard to say so I'll just put it all down here. Lately Ive been feeling really alone (Besides when im with Fawn but I can only see her every weekend so you can't help feeling alone every 5 days that have to pass before you can see someone you care about). It not based on a love sort of lonely more like an unwanted sort of lonely. Ive always felt like I wasn't as good as many of my friends even though people say thats stupid Still its proven time and time again when people are around they don't hear me when I talk due to the fact they would rather hear a more likable person. Im not blaming anyone that would be extreamly ignorant for me to say its your fault for not paying attention to me and your fault for makeing everyone like you to much lol. It can only be rested upon myself for being not as open with others when they are around And its my challange to move above that and find a way to better myself to become that much more stronger. But it feels a lot better for me to put that down here :D. Continueing with where I was going Even with people that know me well enough I still feel like I get left behind a lot Though I know It better to take the offensive and take it into your own hands its still feels nice to be invited sometimes ya know (Matt is exculded from this along with Fawn and Hillary). I may be a guy but ever since I was little I never felt like anyone thought to much of me so I can't describe how good it feels to know that someone actually thought Hey what about Nick?. I really like when someone shows me that im not just a tag along or a last resort person to have around be cause they have nothing better to do anyway and that people actually like having me around. I know its harder to say this for me cause even though Ive knowen some of my friends for serveral months they have knowen other people so much longer that I can't even compaire to them in friendship. Still It helps for me to get this down to take it off my mind you know ^_^. Another thing thats been bothering me a lot is what im going to do with my life. Thats such a big thing ill keep it shorter or else it will take up about 10 pages heh. I don't really want comments on this cause this is something no one can tell me what I should do or think for me. I guess I want to be Writer but at the same time I don't and I want to do something else its really hard to explain. I just feel like im not getting anywhere though I have a map that covers the world if that makes any sence. Maybe this still relates back to the fact that Ive felt unwanted for the longest time then again maybe its doesn't. I may be very in tune with my mind I still can't go as deep as I want so I can't answer a lot of this one on my own. Maybe I just Care about things to much or Maybe I need to just be more layed back and figure everything out more calmly im not really sure yet but it will happen someday. I'm sure there is more for me to say about whats going through my head but some of them I need to handle on a person to person way and should keep more private from everyone lol (Nothing about You and I Fawn so no worries You only make me happy ^^ though at times its hard to read you but still that makes me like you all the more. lol). Anyway I think I typed enough don't you hehe I see you all later sometime or another probably even at Anime S&V which I will be at on Friday and Sat so please come and say hi to me ok ^^ not like its that much money to go even if just for one day. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Groove Adventure Rave - Higher & higher

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October 16th, 2004

11:49 pm - *claps* Weeeeee been a really long time since I updated huh hmmm well time to fill you all in on whats been happening ^-^. About 2 weeks ago Matt and me were up at Hillary's house for Fabric shopping for meh FMA Ed costume (Its turning out really great Btw hehe). Anyway we ended up staying for their Anime Meeting and that was a lot of fun I finally got to see Tokyo Mew Mew and Matt got to FINALLY!! check out FMA and he loved it he said (yeah I only told him to watch it about a year before this -.-). Hes a pretty big thing that happened I ended up cuddleing with Fawn XD!! and just last weekend I asked her out so um we are dateing now hehe ^^;;. I dun really wanna say what else happened that 1st night due to its not my right to say. aside from that school has been really annoying but it should be much much less so since our government project is done finally. That about covers the past 2 weeks I think now for today Today I went to Mitsuwa as usual but didn't find anyone there so I was like kay??. As I was looking over the tops of people's heads I saw my Ex Gf.. right away I was like oh crap -.-... So I just ran into the bathroom to get away. When I walked back out it didn't seem like she notaced me which is good cause I really didn't want to talk to her... and then I saw Fawn and the rest to I walked over and we found a table. Everything was going well even Matt showed up a little late but hey better late then never right? Oh It was pretty funny when CC Will saw my arms around Fawn he just kinda stared at me apperently a few times lol but I don't care not like he can do anything. We all left when matt had to leave for work I followed them back to Indiana (Fawn in my car ^^)and hung around for Hillary's B-day/holloween party which was a lot of fun. After the party was over I cuddled with Fawn for a bit and I won't say what happened next XD just that im feeling really good right now =P. Anyway thats about it Tomorrow it back to Indiana with Matt should be very fun =P I think im gonna go sleep now im really really tired after all the driving. -Katsu- Current Mood: optimistic

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September 21st, 2004

03:05 am - Dead but still alive... Everyday I wake up in a shadow of someone.. I can't be better then anyone.. All my friends are better.. Everyone likes them more.. No matter how much I try im always in one of their shadows. No one ever sees me a person to pay much attention to. Even people I care about end up likeing my friends more then me.. When I bring new friends in I lose them to my friends. Why am I so bad!. What makes them so much better. Why do they have to always come out ahead. Even when I do my best I still can even amount to how good they are. I hurts so much cause I can't do anything. I can't even hate them for causeing me so much pain. Heck I should be able to hate them, they don't even listen to me... Even when I try to talk to someone they will take priority over me.. im just their little tool... im not a friend to them im just some stupid little kid that tags along and get ignored. I just want to hate them... I hate that I can't hate... What makes me So FUCKING bad. All I want are friends that give me a little respect.. I want friends that I won't have to worry about them takeing people I become close with.. Even now people are slowly starting to not hear me.. Im slowly just falling deeper into their shadow. Soon I won't be able to get out... I just want to die.. I only want to die.. Theres nothing worse then feeling like you can never become good in something... Theres nothing that I have thats better then anyone else... I have nothing to feel good about that they can't do better... I just want it all to end. So I guess I have no friends anymore... being alone.. even that feels better then this pain.. I want to die.. But I don't want to end my life. Ill just become nothing... alone... forever Current Mood: cold

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September 11th, 2004

11:56 pm - *sigh* Today was a pretty good. I woke up late >_< but I was still able to see friends at Mitsuwa so that was good. Then I went to Olive Garden with everyone for Andy's B-day it was a lot of fun and laughs. After that I headed over to that Fest thing but no one I really knew to well was there even though I did end up talking with people just not really good friends... Then as I got home I just felt really sad cause I feel depressed. There is a girl that I really care about and I could probably end up loving her one day but shes really unsure how she feels right now and that leaves me in a middle area of unknowing and confusion. I want to be so close with her so bad it hurts a little cause I can't.. I just wish she would give me a shot and stop worrying so much if it will work out and all the other unsurites that come with going out with someone.. I don't really want anything more then a chance.... Im just so confused right now and feel sad.. It doesn't seem like it will go away easy ether so I just don't know what to do right now.. I hate being in my house alone I feel like I should be with friends. I guess ill go lay in bed for a long time and try to think about things even though I doubt it will help.. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Dj Sammy - Heaven CD

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August 31st, 2004

10:18 pm - O.o?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hmm its been quite a while since I last added anything huh hmm well this will prolly be a long one ^^. Everything has been going pretty good since I last added. I started school which isn't that bad. My classes are overall good and im happy to take them. Outside school its been bland I guess aside from a few trips to mitsuwa and one trip to Hillary's house not much goes on. I beat .Hack 1 finally so Im proud of myself for doing so *bows*. I really miss everyone cause I never get to see most people besides Matt and Tom. Lately Ive been kinda down I guess for a bunch of reasons. 1. School just kinda does that to me 2. I miss everyone 3. Different feelings I have about different people 4. Just feels like something is missing lately and I just can't seem to figure out what but I know something is.. aside from that Its pretty normal sadly nothing to great been happoning but also nothing to bad ether =(. Its just boring to say the least. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Ayumi-Chan *waterfall of drool*

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August 19th, 2004

10:37 pm Am I doomed to be forever invisable to everyone around me. Am I only to be alone forever without the warmth of another. The pain of being alone with out love or compainons is like the pain from a dagger slowly being drivin into my chest, while my blood seeps out through the large open wound, leeking to the ground below me, dyeing the floor crimson never to be changed as long I am alive. This goes through my head everyday. I have no one to be close to. No matter how hard I try to be seen I am still only half there. How does one overcome themself.. I guess Ill just have to stay the way I am till I ether forget or learn the way to be seen. -Peace- ~Katsu~ Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Ayumi Hamasaki *drool*

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August 18th, 2004

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August 17th, 2004

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